TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Sure, certain, let us have A further location in which American Adult males can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you All people a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You recognize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of Trump Tower Damascus this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is by now attracting consideration from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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